Which five star hotel employs a phantom eclair-licker?

Just back from having a posh afternoon tea at a five star hotel, and though there's a lot I want to write about it, there's just one thing I want to show for now. The chocolate eclair.

No, I didn't scrape the chocolate icing off the top. No, I didn't lick it. Yes, that was how it was presented to me - a smear of chocolate giving the impression not of a lipsmacking dessert, but rather of those ominous streaks you get on toilet cubicles in train stations and House of Fraser Oxford Street.

Still ate it though. Kinda wish I hadn't.

Question: what has 45 Park Lane got on the wall at CUT?

Well, if you're an artistic ignoramus like me, you'd be drawn over by the bright colours, have a good look at it and decide that the slightly macabre subject matter (dead butterflies that have basically been hung, drawn and quartered to make pretty shapes) and illegible signature that begins with a D for its first name and ends with a T for its second, and think, ooh, could this be Damien Hirst?

But if you're a waitress at CUT, in 45 Park Lane, where the pictures are hung, you'll take one look, shrug, and say, "Oh, I really don't know." And then smile, and say that they're pretty, though, aren't they?

45 Park Lane makes a rush on the W's celeb crown

The Firth leaving 45PL Sunday Night

When the W opened this February, it had Colin Firth, Lily Cole, Paul McCartney, Emma Watson and Helena Bonham Carter christen it on opening night. 45 Park Lane may not have started quite so strongly, but it's quickly pulling in a strong showing in its first three weeks - first, being gifted with the presence of Brangelina (did they stay or did they just eat? I asked, staff weren't telling), and next, hosting a mega fashion party for LFW.

The do actually took place on Sunday night - the day before I popped round for a look. Over my overly fussy breakfast (more on that to come) I heard a member of staff boasting to the couple on the neighbouring table about Tom Ford ("OMG! Tom Ford!!!!" the woman kept sighing wistfully over and over again, as I straightened my Primark dress).

I assumed he'd just been in for dinner, but turns out he'd actually hosted a massive Fashion Week party, with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and Colin Firth (again) both in attendance. Go 45PL!

Two questions: first, in lieu of actual royalty christening our hotels with a champagne bottle, is Colin Firth the new actor of choice, as Helen Mirren was a couple of years ago?

The new queen of the London hotel scene? It's Britney, bitch

Celeb count is huge in London hotels right now. There's all the Fashion Week stuff, of course, but what's really warming the cockles of my heart is Miss Britney Spears.

First she was hanging round the neighbourhood of the Avo Hotel as she filmed her new music vid in Dalston. Then she was spotted indulging in a spot of afternoon tea at the Langham.

And then last night she made it over to Sanctum Soho for a tour/album launch party. Wonder where she's staying?

Happy 20th to The Halkin, hope the party was fun

It's the Halkin's 20th birthday today. How do I know this? Because I called up to see if they had space for tea, and there was music banging in the background, and the man said "well, it's actually our 20th anniversary today, so not really. Any time from tomorrow, though."

Maybe I just will swing by tomorrow. And give them some stinkeye for not inviting me to their party. And maybe they'll have some leftover birthday cake. Maybe.

The Goring hearts Luddites, hates people with jobs: discuss

Update: barely half an hour after I wrote this, it's working again! Jolly good show, chaps.

The Goring's website is down. That is all.

Well, not quite all. It's also an excuse to have another go at the Goring for their ridiculously Luddite approach to their guests. Last time I went in, for breakfast, there was a sign on every table instructing us:

The Goring Lounge is a place for you to relax and unwind. So we ask you to help us preserve your fellow guests’ sense of tranquility…
Please…
· switch off your mobile telephone
· let us look after your computer
· hide away all those business papers
· sit back and relax!

Switching off the mobile (or sticking it on silent), I can totally approve of. But giving up the computer? The business papers? That's like saying they prefer the inane tittle tattle of the local rahs to people who actually have jobs having a quiet work chat over a coffee.

Oh yah. I just realised the Goring devotees rarely have jobs. And I suspect their idea of social media is turning up to a Made in Chelsea party. In fact, maybe the whole website crash is an ingenious way of ensuring only the technology illiterate rahs find you.

As you were, Goring. As you were.

The Bloomsbury Street Hotel goes classic with its latest book of the month: Jane Eyre

I've written about the book club at the Bloomsbury Street Hotel before, for HotelChatter. It's not as daring or sexy as, say the (W)riters' Library at the W London, which has 100 books individually chosen and signed by famous authors, but it's a nice little project, and every little helps when it comes to culture in hotels. I do like that this is a project that's been going on a good couple of years, and hasn't fizzled out. And I also like that they're plugging it on their YouTube account. Shows dedication.

The book club, if you're new to it, isn't some cringey discussion group. The hotel chooses a book of the month and all guests are welcome to take a copy, to either read or take home with them. Then, for a bit of interactivity, the hotel uploads videos of readings of the books (called Book Bytes) on their YouTube channel.

The May Fair covers up for London Fashion Week

I wrote about the May Fair Hotel turning its windows designer in honour of London Fashion Week for HotelChatter a couple of weeks back. Today, I did a walk by.

The effect isn't as cringe as I'd feared - far more subtle. It's nice! There are four pictures in the windows either side of the main entrance; then the window to the left of that has a TV screen looping catwalk videos. Is this one an intentional or unintentional homage to Amy Winehouse?

45 Park Lane has gone for the unexpected approach with its decor

Saw a louche picture in a hotel this morning. Was it the Sanctum Soho? The W? Somewhere else that prides itself on being a little bit naughty?

Nuh-uh: it was, and you won't believe this, in the ladies' bathroom at 45 Park Lane.

Other sexy things on my walk round included a chat about afternoon tea consisting of 90 percent booze, and a picture in the bar of Madonna sucking suggestively on a cigar. All highly un-Dorchester Collection. You can almost feel the old Dorchester herself shrinking away across the street.

No sex kits in the minibar though, from what I saw. I guess Brad and Angelina brought their own (according to Just Jared, they spent the night).

Rooms are currently going for £450 and up.

45 Park Lane gets the Brangelina seal of approval

CUT. Minus Brangelina and their Sunday roasts

Funnily enough I was casting around for a hotel to have Sunday lunch at today, but my regular roast partner is away so I didn't follow through. Shame - because obviously we would have plumped for 45 Park Lane, and thus we would have been dining, according to the Mail, with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Burning question: does CUT actually do a traditional Sunday roast, though? Doubt it - the lunch menu looks a bit Americany and fussy for that, tbh. Guess they wanted to stick to what they know.

Breakfast looks nice, though. Mmm, French toast - the spirit of America. Just what we want on Park Lane.

Hotel Verta may be for sale, but it's still looking sassy

London's Vertical Entry. Nice.

I went past Hotel Verta in Battersea the other day, en route to have afternoon tea at the much-lauded Hotel Rafayel on the Left Bank (more of that to come, unfortunately). Anyways, having just written about its possible demise for HotelChatter, I stopped by the entrance and paid my respects. Doesn't it look slick?

The Eccleston Square Hotel sets its butlers loose on Belgravia

The scene on Pimlico Green

Pimlico Farmers' Market. Not the kind of place you expect to see men all dolled up in butler suits, despite it taking place on Pimlico Green, which is nearer Belgravia than Pimlico. Anyway, when I spied these two, en route to buy my fruit and veg for the week, I wondered at first whether they'd been let loose from one of the posh houses in Eaton Square, a couple of blocks away. (The man on the bike was obviously as thrown as I was.)

Then one of them thrust a flyer into my hand and I realised that, no, they were from the Eccleston Square Hotel, at the market to pimp the new hotel's new brunch.

The flyer promised not just an "American Brunch", but also 15 per cent off with said flyer. Perfect, seeing as I'd just moved back to London from the States (so am used to American-sized portions, still), and was skint.